I hate waking up to the person I am

Yes, Slasher is my name and slashing my arms, wrists, legs and stomach is my game. It is a natural high I am sure a junkie must feel when loaded on all his dope. The more blood I see the better I feel because I feel all my pain is leaving me. It happens in a minute in the very blink of an eye the Slasher comes out and she can't be stopped until she comes crashing from the high. The Slasher has had one golden rule and that was never to slash when someone was home, but on the eve of Thanksgiving 2002 that rule was broken so fast. My head started spinning, I couldn't think clearly, all I could see was the knife Michael was using to get the turkey ready and one second, one blink of an eye the Slasher came out and was slashing. I kept slashing my arm hearing distantly yelling in my right ear, "What the Hell are you doing? You said you would never do this in front of your kids now look what you are doing. My head still spinning, I can't think clearly as I distantly hear Stephanie scream, "No Mama, Stop". Then Michael was trying to get to me fast to get the knife from my grip and all this happened in a blink of an eye, in a matter of just a few seconds. In my mind it had been hours, but only seconds had it take. Stephanie runs to Vanessa as Vanessa covers her eyes and ears. Michael rushes me to our bathroom as blood runs from my arms. He sticks my arm under the water as he gets the first aid out. He said does it hurt in a daze I said no so he said well it is going to hurt. He puts a dry washcloth on my wounds telling me to apply as much pressure as I can then looks at me sadly and says; "Do you know what you did to your babies? Something you said you would never do!" I say yes and run to the kitchen yelling I am so sorry I am a sick person and I have been this way since a child. Tonight I broke my golden rule and hurt you all in the process. Vanessa runs from me as Stephanie hugs me and says it's okay mama I love you and I say no it's not okay. I am very, very sorry and I love her with all my heart. I tell her I have given her a sight she always will always carry. I tell her over and over to please forgive me for I love you very much. Then I race to Vanessa's room where she sits on the floor eyes closed and hands over her ears. I crying I am begging please Vanessa I am so very, very sorry. I screwed up and have scared her for life and I don't if you'll ever forgive me. I love you Vanessa we have always been more that just Mother and daughter, but we have always been the best of friends. I say I am okay and that the Slasher is gone for the night. Vanessa turns around and gives me her beautiful smile and throws her arms around me. Then she says "I love you Mommy, but you hurt me bad and I forgive you." For now the Slasher has left me hopefully for good, but if she ever comes out again it will be when she is by herself. After all Slasher is my name and slashing myself is my game.