Imago Feminae: Image of Woman

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I HATE BEING ME
I hate waking up to the person I am
I hate taking all the medications to be me
I hate looking in the mirror and seeing whom I see
A worthless piece of space taking up air someone else needs
I hate who I am because people don't understand
They laugh at me and say I am an embarrassment
While others think I am faking to get attention
They say a cat has nine lives
Well I must be a mountain lion
Because God could have taken me so many times but he didn't
I hate being me cause I am in every body else's way
Everyone would be so much better if I weren't here
Because then they wouldn't have to help me so much
So God as I write this I pray
That I don't wake up tomorrow
But that I will be in Heaven your beautiful golden palace
THAT IS WHY I HATE ME
By: ChloŽ on November 19, 2002

old days; gone forever (hopefully)
day 1
binge
pizza, pie, cookies, ding dongs, ice cream
get up
stick finger down throat
stick finger down throat
damn, nothing will come up
stick finger down throat
there it is
sore throat
bruised finger
empty stomach
empty heart
full eyes
tears
day 2
no food
can't eat
gum keeps away the hunger
it can't fill the hole inside
i break tonight
binge
pizza, pie, cookies, ding dongs, ice cream
can't throw up this time
it's not good
my stomach grows
full stomach
empty heart
full eyes
tears
Shirley
7 January 2003

Eating Myself to Death
I am eating myself to a slow death. I already have high cholesterol and am headed to a heart attack. I am bingeing and bingeing that's all I know how to do lately. I secretly eat candy and cake. Cookies I sneak in the night. Sometimes they catch me and scold me while other times everyone is out of sight. Now that the Christmas break is over and the kids have gone back to school, it is easier now to binge without being caught. When I let my dog out in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, I sneak bites of cake, pieces of candy or grab a few cookies. They catch me eat cake for breakfast sometimes, while other times they are sleeping. I hate the scale because my clothes tell it all how much weight that I am gaining. I can't fit in bras and I squeeze myself into panties. I hide behind overalls, that some I am out growing. I know that it is wrong, I feel ashamed as I am doing this awful sin to my body. I want to stop, but the more I try the more I eat and it is a circle I am living in. I am on a merry-go-round that won't let me off. It is circle after circle. Binge, feel bad, and want change and when it makes me feel bad I just eat again. Help dear God for I can't stop this cycle, this vicious sin that has a hold of me. I think to myself that at least I am not purging although that does come to my mind. I don't care what I look like anymore when I use to. I was always the Malibu Barbie girl. The long bleached blonde hair, dark pretty tan, not weighing an ounce over 128 and always had my nails done long and in the color of pink. People always said how well that I kept myself groomed, never a hair out of place. People always praised me for being so well groomed, now my children sometimes have to remind me hey mom you need to shower. I wore feminine clothes and sexy lingerie and felt really good about my appearance. Now I don't do my hair, I can't eat right, I don't remember how to wear my hair and make up. Once my children were so proud to show me off, now they don't want people to see me. When I would pick them up after school daycare and I would walk into a room with a tight fitting dress and very high heals it took their breath away and always said hey that's my Mom! Now I don't like to leave my house, for I fear people are pointing and laughing and teasing my kids in school.
I never have known just who I am because I have always been broke down, by family and my ex-husband. I don't know where to start in my life, hell I don't know where to begin cleaning the house or doing the dishes. I can't stay focused on one project at a time. Help me dear God because I think I am falling down to hell and won't get out this time.
By: ChloŽ on January 7, 2003

The Slasher
Yes, Slasher is my name and slashing my arms, wrists, legs and stomach is my game. It is a natural high I am sure a junkie must feel when loaded on all his dope. The more blood I see the better I feel because I feel all my pain is leaving me. It happens in a minute in the very blink of an eye the Slasher comes out and she can't be stopped until she comes crashing from the high. The Slasher has had one golden rule and that was never to slash when someone was home, but on the eve of Thanksgiving 2002 that rule was broken so fast. My head started spinning, I couldn't think clearly, all I could see was the knife Michael was using to get the turkey ready and one second, one blink of an eye the Slasher came out and was slashing. I kept slashing my arm hearing distantly yelling in my right ear, "What the Hell are you doing? You said you would never do this in front of your kids now look what you are doing. My head still spinning, I can't think clearly as I distantly hear Stephanie scream, "No Mama, Stop". Then Michael was trying to get to me fast to get the knife from my grip and all this happened in a blink of an eye, in a matter of just a few seconds. In my mind it had been hours, but only seconds had it take. Stephanie runs to Vanessa as Vanessa covers her eyes and ears. Michael rushes me to our bathroom as blood runs from my arms. He sticks my arm under the water as he gets the first aid out. He said does it hurt in a daze I said no so he said well it is going to hurt. He puts a dry washcloth on my wounds telling me to apply as much pressure as I can then looks at me sadly and says; "Do you know what you did to your babies? Something you said you would never do!" I say yes and run to the kitchen yelling I am so sorry I am a sick person and I have been this way since a child. Tonight I broke my golden rule and hurt you all in the process. Vanessa runs from me as Stephanie hugs me and says it's okay mama I love you and I say no it's not okay. I am very, very sorry and I love her with all my heart. I tell her I have given her a sight she always will always carry. I tell her over and over to please forgive me for I love you very much. Then I race to Vanessa's room where she sits on the floor eyes closed and hands over her ears. I crying I am begging please Vanessa I am so very, very sorry. I screwed up and have scared her for life and I don't if you'll ever forgive me. I love you Vanessa we have always been more that just Mother and daughter, but we have always been the best of friends. I say I am okay and that the Slasher is gone for the night. Vanessa turns around and gives me her beautiful smile and throws her arms around me. Then she says "I love you Mommy, but you hurt me bad and I forgive you." For now the Slasher has left me hopefully for good, but if she ever comes out again it will be when she is by herself. After all Slasher is my name and slashing myself is my game.
By: ChloŽ on December 2, 2002